Internal Conflict

What is Internal Conflict?

_{(This explanation is subject to change since it is hard to formulate).}
It could mean many things to different people, I will put it into a context to make it more clear:

To me it is a behavioral {pattern|attribute|constituent} of ones character, that subtly or blatantly sabotages ones endeavor to do good for oneself.

Also Known As:

• "The Internal Critic"
• "The Resistance",
• A "Mind Forg'd Manacle" (as William Blake coined it),
• "The little I"
• "The Ego"

Anyone who has whole-heatedly tried to better their reality/existance has run face first into the brick wall of this phenomenon. For me it manifests in my own meditation and hatha yoga practice. I know from experience that the outcome of my practices are wonderful because I feel that way after I do them. But when I am doing them, this Internal Conflict surges within me. It unbalances me and proceeds to drive me away from my practice to another activity.

The internal dialogue is typically:

Fuck this! go check your email, go for a walk, fly around the room, What about that bill you owe?, and what about some income?, What about that pain in your tummy, you think it might be cancer? etc...

What is this voice, this pattern, this drive?
Why is it so angry/lazy/short-sighted/self-defeating?
Why does it stop me from doing what I need to do?

I am trying to not resist this phenomenon. I realize by resisting it, it turns into a conflict. It feeds on resistance. I am trying to learn the source of this force. Why does it try to use fears to sway me away from my birth-right to experience joy. To experience a sense of liberation in silence. I am trying to breath into it. I realize that Anger or Anxiety is fear, and where there is Fear there is a need that is not being met.

I am not gowing to fight you at this moment. I give up and surrender. I guess sometimes that is where my practice for that day ends or begins.

Related: Practice | Progress