Persian Gulf Distraction
The following is a partial Transcipt off the Bill Hicks Relentless CD comedy album recorded sometime in the early 90's. This is a satire on the 1st Gulf war. Hauntigly enough, relevant at this current date.
Gosh, since I was here, we had a war, that's pretty fucking weird, huh? A war?! Wasn't really a war, you know, a war is when two armies are fighting, So, I don't know if you could call it a war, exactly, you know. "The Persian Gulf Distraction", is more like it, I think. Pretty amazing thing, really. Bush turned out to be a major fucking demon, Who woulda guessed?! Remember when he was first president, he was the "Wimp President," Do you remember that? Cover of Newsweek, Cover of Fucking Newsweek!! (Bill emphasizes Headline with hands) "WWWWWWWWIIIIIIMMMMMMPPPPP PRESIDENT." Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw a little bit. That guy was a dynamite waiting to go off. (Iraqi voice) We surrendah! (George Bush voice) Not good enough. (Iraqi voice) We run away! (George Bush voice) Too little, too late! Call me a wimp, c'mon, fuckers, C'MON! Hold him back! Those guys (US troops) were in hog heaven over there, man. They had a big weapons catalogue opened up. (Hillbilly 1 voice) What's G-12 do, Tommy? (Hillbilly 2 voice) See, it says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps us pay for the war effort. (Hillbilly 1 voice) Well, fuck, pull that one up! (Hillbilly 2 voice over walky-talky) Pull up G-12, please. (Bill does some cool sound effects with the mic) SHooooooooooooP. BOOM! (Hillbilly 1 voice) Cool! what's G-13 do? Big Sears weapons catalogue. 'Weapons, for all occasions!' You know? See, everyone got boners over the technology, and it was pretty incredible. Watching missiles fly down air vents, pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people? Know what I mean? Fly over Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana!" SHooooooooooooooP. The Stealth Banana. Smart fruit! I don't know. Once again, I was watching the fucking news, and it really threw me off. It depressed everyone, it's so scary watching the news, how they built it all out of proportion, like Iraq was ever, or could ever possibly, under any stretch of the imagination be a threat to us-wwwwwwwhatsoever. But-watching the news, you never would have got that idea. Remember how it started, they kept talking about The Elite Republican Guard in these hushed tones like these guys were the bogeymen or something. (News Caster voice) "Yeah, we're doing well now, but we have yet to face "---THE ELITE REPUBLICAN GUARD---". Like these guys were twelve feet tall, desert warriors. (Bill mimicing an elite R. guard walking) KRRASH. NEVER LOST A BATTLE! KRRASH. WE SHIT BULLETS! Yeah, well, after two months of continuous carpet bombings and not one reaction at all from them, they became simply, 'the republican guard.' Not nearly as Elite as we may have led you to believe. And after another month of bombing, they went from 'the Elite Republican Guard' to 'the Republican Guard' to 'the Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there'. '(Loud Voice) We hope you enjoyed your fireworks show. ' It was so pretty, and it took our mind off of domestic issues! The Persian Gulf Distraction. People said, "Uh-uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world." Yeah, maybe, but you know what? After the first three largest armies, there's a real big fucking drop-off, all right? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got our airports, okay? Soo, I think that's the greater threat right now. Mr. Onion Head in Terminal C is scaring the shit out of me. Get him away from me. What an amazing thing, though. You know, and the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity of the casualties. Iraq One Hundred and Fifty THOUSAND casualties USA seventy-nine. Iraq ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND USA seventy-nine. Does that mean that if we had sent over eighty guys, we still would have won that fucking thing, or what? One guy in a ticker-take parade: (Hillbilly voice) I did it, hey! You're welcome! (Newscaster voice) Good work, Tommy, how'd you do it? (Hillbilly voice) I pulled up G-12! It was in the catalogue! Worked like a charm! You know, my biggest problem with the whole thing was that blood lust that came out of everyone, you know, this blood lust, man, it's really unbelievable....(read more here)