HEREIN LIES
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Á Á Á ÁÄÄÄÄÙ
BOOK OF
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AS REVEALED TO THE DISCORDIANS OF LUBBOCK OF SNEED
KNOWN TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC AS
=THE HOLY ORDER OF THE SIRIUS CONNECTION=
AND PUT INTO PRINT OFF OF THE HUMAN FLESH VOLUME BY
-=[><]=-
Nepos Zir Comselha, Lord of the Temple, BA,PhD,KSC,ASM,MCI,ASCAP,DQ,KFC,ASAP
-=[><]=-
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Editor's Note: READ THIS BOOK NEXT!
This is the Book to follow the Principia Discordia. The Book of Chaos is
to be a mystical guide to the original text. Originally, the Book of Chaos
was discovered under Memorial Circle of Texas Tech University in Lowbuttocks,
Texas, written in blood and bound in human flesh. This transcript is not the
full version, for only one person has ever dared to read the original in its
entire, Father Fallatio, ex-Lord of the Temple; he suffered from too much
of Eris' gift of insanity and soon became an insurance salesman.
This e-text version was written without the consent of any POEE priest,
or The President of the United States. (C)opycat 1995 by No One in
Particular. All rights reversed.
Keep the Freedom alive. Don't blow it all on money.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
DISCLAIMER
The authors of this text take no responsibility for the raping fnord of
your various glands.
Several phrases, when spoken Five and Fifty times around a pentacle,
will cause the summoning of horrible demons and unspeakables fnord. We take
no responsibility for your safety. You have been warned fnord.
Remember the Highest Law of the Discordian Society:
Believe not what you read.
Therein lies the key to Illumination!
-The Mgt.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
BOOK 0
As Transcended upon Zir Comselha by The Goddess.
1 All Hail Discordia! Hail Eris in the highest of the Pancreas!
2 I stood before the gates to the Holy Freezer, entering a trance for
the mystic communication with the Divine Pancreas.
3 The Goddess of All that is Not, the Lord of Nits, and Duchess of
Burgess, came before me with her blazing CHAO upon her breast, and sayeth
her image unto my lowly self:
4 "Indulge thyself with my Fruit."
5 And I, soon to be Lord of the Temple, asked with confusion: "And what is
thy Holy Fruit?"
6 She blessed me with a response: "Hot dogs nix the buns."
7 I then, in my innocence asked: "But why ban the bready buns?"
8 She did laugh then with great spirit, verily, with all her spirit. Her
tongue did then lash across the airs and then didst mine ears, ready for
her word, hear: "Thine hair is like turnips."
9 Then she did vanish from mine eyes and ears and tongue and nose and skin,
to return to her rest in the Divine Pancreas, Temple of Discordia.
10 Upon her words I slept for Five days and Five nights, hoping that osmosis
would aid me in understanding.
17 Then did I Understand, verily, and thence I became Illuminated in the
Goddess's Light. Then I did truly become the Lord of the Temple.
ABRACADABRA
"Beware of Cabbages. They are everywhere."
-The Amazing Banana
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The Hymn of the Sneed Discordians
Everything is Nothing
Nothing is Everything
Something, though, is not Everything
Nor is Something Nothing
And Everything is Half-Off on Fridays
Chorus: ABRACADABRA
HOCUS-POCUS
ABRACADABRA
ILLUMINISM IS CONTROLLING YOUR REALITY
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
selections from THE BOOK OF OBNOXIOUS USELESS LISTS
The Little Gods of the Temple
I. The Five Forms of Eris
1. Discordia
2. Eris
3. Chaos
4. The Mysterious Defender (The only male manifestation of Eris)
5. Fire
II. The Retired Gods (or the Ones Who Got Tired of the Whining)
1. Murray (the Little Yellow Stone God)
2. Dionysus
3. Tizzy (a computer hacker)
4. Meg (a feminist)
5. Alexis (a Wall Street broker)
III. Elder Things (or the Servants of the Retired Gods)
1. Wytysydg
2. Nyuknyuknyukyaschlep (TM)
3. Tsaggywahaha (a convert)
4. Qwertyuiop'asdfghjkl'zxcvbnm (The Horror Whose Name Cannot Be
Pronounced)
5. Bowley* (another convert)
IV. Unknown Superiors
1. Terry the Terrible (who sometimes manifests as Bob Dole or any other
TV evangelist, and every so often runs for President of the U.S.)
2. Malaclypse the Younger (it's unknown to him he's one of them)
3. Wakko
4. Yakko
5. Dot (The Warner Sister)
V. Founders of the Temple
1. Zir Comselha
2. Padre Martini
3. The Amazing Banana (squire to The Mysterious Defender)
4. The Mgt.
5. The Little Gods of the Temple
* See Konx Om Pax
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Five Modern Muses
I. The Muse of Mass-Communications
II. The Muse of Propaganda
III. Her younger sister, The Muse of Advertising
IV. The Muse of Information
V. The Muse of Credit (A.K.A. Pound Foolish)
It has been discovered that the Book of Chaos was actually written in
a brown marker on dried banana peals.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
A TALE OF THE GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA
FOR DISTURBED LITTLE CHILDREN
[To the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"]
1. On top of Olympus,
All covered with gods,
I lost my gold apple
When somebody snubbed.
2. It rolled to the wedding,
And before six feet,
And then my gold apple
Was read by three.
3. They fought for possession,
A big cat fight;
And then my gold apple
Was given to Zeus.
4. He looked at the goddesses
And trembled with fear,
And then my gold apple
Was sent to a shepherd-boy.
5. This caused confusion,
And Eris laughed,
And then great Discordia
Left while eating a hot dog without the bun.
DO NOT BELIEVE THIS LAW
-An extension to a Discordian Law
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
HERE NOW STATED IS THE ONLY TRUTH OF THE DISCORDIANS, REVEALED AT LAST, FOR
THE FIRST TIME, REPRINT #3:
EVERYTHING IS TRUE, EVEN THIS STATEMENT AND FALSE THINGS AND AMBIGUOUS
THINGS AND HALF TRUE THINGS AND IRRELEVANT THINGS AND MEANINGLESS THINGS
AND TRUE THINGS; THIS STATEMENT IS FALSE.
Herein lies the key to Illuminism!
-The Mgt.
"Cookie Monster is the Harry Krishna!"
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
PROOF THAT THE ILLUMINATI ARE CONTROLLING THIS WORLD
By Nepos Zir Comselha
The Rosicrucian Order, A.K.A. The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, crafted
to its present form in England by S.L. MacGregor Mathers, are said to have
been created by the Templar "Christian Rosencreutz." They are known to have
the Inner, or Invisible, Heads of the order, called "The Secret Chiefs."
Aleister Crowley took this idea and called them the A.ù.A.ù., and are defined
as the hidden beings who have guided mankind's evolution since the birth of
the humans, and perhaps even back to the birth of Goddess herself.
Crowley, in a very minute location in his _The Confessions of Aleister
Crowley_, states that Adam Weishaupt, the founder of the Illuminati, is "the
man we knew as Christian Rosencreutz." (839) In 'Two Fragments of a
Ritual', Crowley states that they were based on rituals found among
Weishaupt's papers, and upon examination they prove to be similar to the
sexual magic of the O.T.O. (the organization rebuilt by Crowley).
Combining these facts, we discover a terrible truth: these "Secret Chiefs"
which stand as gods to the humans, are in fact the same beings which
Weishaupt used in his rituals. Therefore, even the gods are conspiring
against humanity. We must stop to wonder if Eris is among them, guiding
we Discordians along the chosen path of the Illuminati. If this be true,
then humans have no one to trust but themselves, and by principle must
rebel against these originators of the Illuminati: the gods and goddesses.
"Everyone is immortal... until they die."
-Z.C.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
"Herein lies the key to Illuminism!"
-The Mgt.
(The greatest Untruth of Discordians -Z.C.)
---------- * ----------
A GUIDE TO ILLUMINATION
FOR
THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY
---------- * ----------
BY
NEPOS ZIR COMSELHA
0. INTRODUCTION AND ARGUMENT
There has been a great lack of the enlightened folk within the Discordian
movement. Little has been done to remedy the situation. Indeed, there has
been too much information available, written by both those who are enlightened
and those who think they are, which only muddles the situation and confuses
initiates.
Few realize that within the fourth edition of the ~Principia Discordia~ lies
many "keys" to Illumination. For scattered about the many humorous and
ambiguous verses of this text lies Truth. Though is is true for all religions
that have survived the test of time, it proves a vital point: Discordianism is
an actual religion, and as a real belief system (BS), it can be studied in a
serious manner. Of course, as Discordianism being innately humorous, the humor
must not be analyzed, for this ruins the humor and causes people to make death
threats to those who analyze the jokes.
The purpose behind this text is to guide all to Illumination. Unfortunately,
the method of this work is to blatantly state the facts of enlightenment, which
may cause many people to merely have knowledge of the Light, but not understand
it. Possessing knowledge and understanding are two entirely separate things.
This is why the mystics of old put many truths and mysteries into proverbs and
trite sayings; when the initiate meditates upon these, an understanding comes
upon the initiate and it comes closer to Illumination.
A note about the use of the Politically Qorrect (PQ) English: this text, when
mentioning individuals not specified, uses the neuter to avoid unwieldy terms
such as "he/she" and to refrain from inventing new words which only cause
confusion. It is also a result of the heavy influence Political Qorrectness
has over all speech and written word. In short, my method is protest.
I. WHAT IS REALLY MEANT BY THE PHRASE: "TO BE ILLUMINATED?"
Every science and every hobby has its own language. For instance, with the
reference guide of a Webster's Dictionary, one would have a troublesome time
deciphering a car fanatic's conversation or a statistic report. They have
created a new field of vocabulary in which to better describe their
perceptions of the Universe. And like these groups, the mystical groups have
created their own language.
The term "illuminate" comes from the Latin "illuminare," to light up (the
pluperfect case of this verb is "illuminatus"). Another word associated with
this is "enlightenment." "Illuminati" are ones who are, or profess, to have
special intellectual or spiritual enlightenment, or understanding.
You may be asking, "why the hell does all this have to do with light?
According to many mystic sources (A.E. Waite, Israel Regardie, Aleister
Crowley, Madam Blavatsky, etc.), it originates with the Astral Light, also called
LVX, from the Latin, or rarely "Khabs am Pekht" or "Konx om Pax," each meaning
"Light in Extension." The Buddhists call it "Infinite Light."
This association of light and ideas is thought to originate from the medieval
Gnostics, though the Orient had been doing so for many hundreds of years
before that. The idea eventually spread that "light" and "thought" are
related, eventually ending up in such mundane things as cartoons with a light
bulb over a person's head to illustrate the creative process.
The word Illuminated, capitalized, has come to mean in mystic circles
"possessing the wisdom of the Universe." It is the goal of the Buddhists, to
"become Enlightened" or "attain Buddhahood." It allows man to be master of his
environment. To the novice, the goals are power. Unfortunately, as one
becomes Illuminated, the trap of fate becomes realized, and, while the power
itself is still mighty, the ability to implement the power is minuscule. While
Enlightenment requires huge amounts of time and patience to achieve, the end
result makes the time spent worthwhile. The reason the above part of the
implementation of the power is not mentioned in most books is because if it was
well known, almost all would-be spiritualists would refuse to take the time to
become Enlightened.
II. WHAT THE HELL IS "ILLUMINISM?"
A few books, including a few of my own, include the term "Illuminism" in
their pages. This has baffled many as to the grammar correctness of the term.
As it stands, it is ambiguous, meaning "the doctrine of Illumination,"
"the act, practice or result of Illumination," "an abnormal condition caused
by Illumination," the condition of being Illuminated," "the collective whole
of the Illuminated," or "devotion to Illumination (or the Illuminated)." This
is one of the many keys to Illumination: if the author really knew what it was
writing/talking about, all of these meanings are correct. If this idea of
examining the grammatical case of all words is utilized with such magnitude, and
also with the actual words as well, one simple phrase has many meanings. To
quote the Principia, p 00054, "An Illuminated Mind can see all of these, yet he
does not insist that any one is true." This is the First Key to Illumination:
"Everything that is possible, is."
III. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE ILLUMINATI?
The Illuminati are the collected whole of the Illuminated ones, or the
enlightened ones. Supposedly, it is they who control the world and everything.
This is a load of bullshit and should be recognized as such. Any one who says
they belong to a group that controls the world should join YOUR subversive
organization. After all, every conspiring organization needs fanatics to tell
the world that their group controls everything.
In light of Chapter II, however, one should recognize that the Illuminati
actually exist, though they do not control the world. Even if they do control
the world, it is pointless to argue it because they would never allow us to be
sure one way or another that they _do_ have absolute power.
I have studied with several Illuminati members, and I was able to uncover
some startling information (their initials are E.V.V.V.E., W.R., P.A.N.,
Q.B.L.H., and three others). The actual initiated order's members, left over
from Weishaupt's secret society, hide themselves in small enclaves deep within
scattered Masonic lodges, varied Rosicrucian orders, and the Catholic Church.
Many members are practicing psychiatrists, an occupation well suited to their
talents gained through their magical practices. Several have political
positions, in fact I know of one Illuminati member who, as of 1993, is a
Senator, but I am not at liberty to say whom. Five members are in the C.I.A.,
five more are in the Mafia, seventeen in the National Security Agency, and
three in the F.B.I. I have not been able to discover any within the Secret
Service. In Europe, two are in Ireland, eight in Great Britain, four in
France, three in Italy, sixteen in West Germany, and one in Israel. All these
numbers are accurate to 1993.
The order's rites and rituals have not been published in English yet, but
fortunately the members I talked to were helpful in revealing to me several
rites of initiation. They shall be covered in Chapter VI.
IV. A BACKGROUND OF THE ILLUMINATI
The best pre-breakup history of the Illuminati I have read in English was
from Gould's History of Freemasonry Throughout the World, Vol. 4, p. 357-9:
THE ILLUMINATI
The secret society of the Illuminati of Bavaria is connected with the
Masonic Brotherhood by the feeblest thread imaginable. Nevertheless some
space must be devoted to the consideration of its history, because its
suppression entailed the extinction of Freemasonry throughout Bavaria and a
great part of Southern Germany, a blow from which, after the lapse of a
century, the Fraternity had not recovered.
Professor Adam Weishaupt was born at the university town of Ingolstadt in
Bavaria, February 6, 1748. He attended the schools there, which were directed
by the Jesuits - expelled in 1773 - but instead of becoming their deciple
acquired a bitter hatred of the Order and of its aims. In 1772 and 1775 he
was appointed to important chairs in the university in place of his former
teachers and this fact, together with his well-known disapproval of their
doctrines, earned him the implacable enmity of the followers of Loyola, to
whose intrigues he was incessantly exposed. He then conceived the idea of
combating his foes with their own weapons and forming a society of young men,
enthusiastic in the cause of humanity, who should gradually be trained to work
as one man to one end - the destruction of evil and the enhancement of good in
this world. Unfortunately he had unconsciously imbibed that pernicious
doctrine that the end justifies the means - erroneously ascribed to the
Jesuits - and his whole plan reveals the effects of that teaching. His
deciples were gradually to be prepared for the great work and those who were
deemed fit to be admitted. Each novice knew none of his companions, only his
immediate teacher. After the proper schooling he was advanced a step and
learned to know others, till he himself became a teacher. Throughout the
whole system a course of espionage prevailed, - each member reported on the
others to his immediate superior, who reported again higher up; oral and
written confession to one's superior was inculcated; and, finally, all the
threads converged to Weishaupt's own hands. He subsequently confessed that he
had determined to use the weapons of his enemies, but which he meant to employ
for good purposes only. He does not appear to have foreseen that he was
creating an ~imperium in imperio~ - a dangerous secret society - which, had it
increased, might have been as great a foe to all good government as the
Jesuits themselves, an engine which he was not personally strong enough to
direct, whereas if the control fell into the hands of unscrupulous leaders,
its effects were bound to be inexpressibly mischievous. The man himself was
without guile, ignorant of men, knowing them only by books, a learned
professor, an enthusiast who took a wrong course in all innocence and the
faults of his head have been heavily visited upon his memory in spite of the
rare qualities of his heart.
The first members of the new society were enrolled May 1, 1766 and, at
that time, none of them were Freemasons, although Weishaupt confesses that he
had conceived a very high estimate of the Craft. In the early part of 1777,
however, he was initiated in a Strict Observance Lodge in Munich - Lodge of
Caution - and it is therefore not surprising to find that he afterwards
destined the Craft to play a very subordinate r“le in his system. One of his
followers, Franz Xaver von Zwackh - initiated November 27, 1788* - is said to
have proposed to utilize Freemasonry, to which Weishaupt agreed, arranging
that all the Areopagites or leaders of divisions in the first series should
pass through the Degrees of the Craft and, if capable, be further initiated in
the so-called Scots Degree. For those who proved unworthy of further trust
this was to be the end. They were not to be allowed to suspect any further
trust this was to be the end. The elect, however, were to pass on into the
directing Degrees. So far, the operations had been confined to Southern and
Roman Catholic Germany. In Frankfort he made the acquaintance of the Baron
von Knigge - a Saxe-Weimar Privy Councillor, a celebrated novelist and a
lovable enthusiast, who was gifted with a most ingratiating address (born
1752; died 1796). Knigge was initiated at Cassel in 1772 and received the
high Templar Degrees in 1779, which he found disappointing. Costanzo revealed
the existence of the Illuminati to him and he entered heart and soul into the
spirit of the project. It is remarkable that all the prominent members of
this association were estimable men, both in public and private life. Knigge
was under the impression that the society was of some standing, not the
creation of yesterday. His enthusiasm made converts in every direction of the
better class of Masons, who were rapidly becoming tired of the Strict
Observance and its aimless pursuits. These converts, after some time,
naturally demanded of Knigge the Rituals, etc., of the new Freemasonry, when
he found, to his consternation, that Weishaupt had so far only perfected the
Minerval Degrees, or those preparatory to the Craft which, as above said, was
to act as a filter and reservoir for the advanced Degrees. Weishaupt had,
however, made a large collection of materials which he unreservedly placed
in Knigge's hands for elaboration. Knigge worked at these and, meanwhile,
at the Wilhelmsbad Congress, made another important convert of Bode, of whom
something is said in another connection. The Rituals completed, Weishaupt and
Knigge quarrelled over the details and the consequent retirement of the latter
in 1784 was the first deadly blow to the organization. At this time the
system was arranged as follows:
A. Nursery. - 1ø, Preparatory Literary Essay; 2ø, Novitiate; 3ø, Minerval
Degree; 4ø, Minor Illuminatus; 5ø, Magistratus.
B. Symbolic Masonry. - 1ø, Apprentice; 2ø, Fellow Craft; 3ø, Master; 4ø,
Scot - divided into Major Illuminatus and Directing Illuminatus.
C. Mysteries. - 1ø, Lesser; a., Priest; b., Prince; 2ø, Greater; a.,Magnus;
b., Rex (these latter were never completed).
By this time the association had created a great stir. The Masonic
Rosicrucians and the suppressed Jesuits made open war upon it in public print
and by private intrigue. The good intentions of the leaders were skillfully
repressed; the dangerous organization of the society was as skillfully
revealed. The first mutterings of the ominous thundercloud of Revolution were
already making themselves heard across the French frontier and statesmen were
fully justified in dispersing the society of the Illuminati, although all its
enemies' accusations of revolutionary tendencies may confidently and
absolutely be disbelieved. A rejected candidate, Strobl, a publisher, printed
a pamphlet in 1783 denouncing the society; the Lodge of the Three Globes
issued a circular warning Masons against it in the same year; several
professors and men of learning, who had seen the impracticability and danger
of the scheme, publicly recanted about the same time. On June 22, 1784, an
Electoral edict suppressed not only the Illuminati, but likewise all
Freemasonry throughout Bavaria. Both Masons and Illuminati obeyed and even
offered to produce all their papers as a proof of innocence. They were not
afforded the opportunity of clearing themselves. A second edict followed,
March 2, 1785, although it is an historical fact that both societies had
scrupulously obeyed the first. Then followed an era of persecution; the
unfortunate accused were denied the privilege of trial and, with the exception
of those very highly placed, languished for years in prison. Weishaupt was
forced to fly, leaving his wife in childbed and took refuge with Duke Ernest
II of Saxe-Gotha, a Freemason, to whom he became Councillor, dying in 1830.
Costanzo was cashiered and exiled to Italy; Zwackh fled. The Illuminati
ceased to exist and, with them, Freemasonry in the South of Germany. This
is the only reason which renders them of interest. Their influence, such as
it was, came to an end and no trace of it ever reappeared. But this influence
must not be appraised too highly. No writer claims a larger membership than
2,000 for the society. On its roll, however, there were some of the greatest
names of the age, though its whole existence extended over less than ten
years.
Authorities consulted: ~Allgemeins Handbuch der Freimaurerei~, s.v.
Bronner, Bode, Costanzo, Ditfurth, Illuminaten, Kingge, Kustner, Weishaupt,
Zwackh, etc., etc.; Mackey, Woodford, Mackenzie - s.v. Illuminati [Woodford's
articel - under the above title (Kenning's ~Encyclop‘dia), is a model of its
kind]; C.C.F.W. von Nettlebladt, ~Geschichte Freimaurerischer Systeme~,
Berlin, 1879, pp. 733 et seq.; J.G. Findel, ~Geschichte der Freimaurerei~,
4th German edit., Leipzig, 1878, pp. 443 et seq. [a concise and clear
exposition of the subject]; Karl Paul, ~Annalen des Eklektischen
Freimaurerbundes~, Frankfort-on-the-Maine, 1883, pp. 7, 226; C.A. Thory,
~Acta Latomorum~, vol. i, pp. 122, 130, 173; Professor Robinson, ~Proofs of a
Conspiracy~, etc., 1797, pp. 100-271; W. Preston, ~Illustrations of Masonry~,
12th edit., 1812, pp. 334 et seq.; W. Keller, ~Geschichte der Freimaurerei in
Deutschland~, 2nd edit., Giessen, 1859, pp. 187 et seq.
* This date is not mistyped, though it could have been a misprint in the
original version.
V. THE ILLUMINATI TODAY
The present Order of the Illuminati bears little resemblance to its original
idea. Most members know each other, since the member list remains quite small:
104 as of 1993. The members are mostly concentrated in America, though
widely scattered from Hawaii to Montana Rico to New York. This creates a
diversity of resources from which the members may draw upon in their various
studies.
This elite secret society exists today mainly to raise the spiritual level of
the world. They are responsible for the publication and distribution a
majority of the "New Age" books, under such names as Weiser and Llewellyn.
VI. RITUALS OF INITIATION, OUTER CIRCLE
This collection of rituals of initiation into each degree was created so that
it may serve as a guide to those who seek the deeper meanings to the Illuminati
and Eris's teachings. Some initiations can be done alone, others require many
people, and some just the Master and Student. Have fun, and remember: "always
unto Chaos, less the Greyface shirk thy soul into abominable stagnancy" -
Initiation Rite to the Fifth Degree.
A. INITIATION RITE TO THE FIRST DEGREE:
[This rite was originally published in the Principia Discordia, under the
title: THE POEE BAPTISMAL RITE]
1) The Priest and four Brothers are arranged in a pentagon with the Initiate in
the center facing the Priest. If possible, the Brothers on the immediate right
and left of the Priest should be Deacons. The Initiate must be totally naked,
to demonstrate that he is truly a human being and not something else in
disguise like a cabbage or something.
2) All persons in the audience and the pentagon, excepting the Priest, assume a
squatting position and return to a standing position. This is repeated four
more times. This dance is symbolic of the humility of we Erisians.
3) The Priest begins:
I (complete Holy Name, with Mystical Titles, and degrees, designations,
offices, &c.), Ordained Priest of the Paratheo-anamystikhood of Eris Esoteric,
with the Authority invested at me by the High Priest of It, Office of the
Polyfather, The House of the Rising Podge, POEE Head Temple; Do herewith
Require of Ye:
1) ARE YE A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A CABBAGE OR SOMETHING? The Initiate answers
YES.
2) THAT'S TOO BAD. DO YE WISH TO BETTER THYSELF? The Initiate answers YES.
3) HOW STUPID. ARE YE WILLING TO BECOME PHILOSOPHICALLY ILLUMINATED? He
answers YES.
4) VERY FUNNY. WILL YE DEDICATE YESELF TO THE HOLEY ERISIAN MOVEMENT? The
Initiate answers PROBABLY.
5) THEN SWEAR YE THE FOLLOWING AFTER ME: (The Priest here leads the
Initiate in a recital of THE ERISIAN AFFIRMATION.) The Priest continues: THEN
I DO HERE PROCLAIM YE POEE DISCIPLE (name), LEGIONNAIRE OF THE LEGION OF
DYNAMIC DISCORD. HAIL ERIS! HAIL HAIL! HAIL YES!
4) All present rejoice grandly. The new Brother opens a large jug of wine and
offers it to all who are present.
5) The Ceremony generally degenerates.
B. INITIATION RITE TO THE SECOND DEGREE:
[Again, published in the Principia Discordia under the title: How to become a
POEE Chaplain]
1. Write the ERISIAN AFFIRMATION in five copies.
2. Sign and nose-print each copy.
3. Send one to The President of the United States.
4. Send one to
The California State Bureau of Furniture and Bedding
1021 'D' Street, Sacramento CA 94814
5. Nail one to a telephone pole. Hide one. And burn the other.
Then consult your pineal gland.
C. RITE OF PASSAGE FOR ENTRANCE TO THE THIRD DEGREE:
[This is a hitherto undiscovered rite, and was presented to Adam Weishaupt by
way of his pineal gland, which is on display in the Salt Lake City Museum of
Unnatural History. This version was only available to the author in French,
translated from the original German ]
La c‚r‚monie au cours de laquelle le Novice promu … la classe sup‚rieure
devenait Disciple de Minerve ou Minerval* s'appelait l'Initiation. Elle avait
lieu soit le jour dans un endroit solitaire et un peu sombre, par exemple dans
une forˆt, soit pendant la nuit, dans une piŠce retir‚e et tranquille, … Pheure
o— la lune brille au ciel. Notre satellite devait d'ailleurs se contenter de
jouer son r“le … la contonnade, car les fenˆtres ‚taient herm‚tiquement
term‚es. Les portes de la piŠce o— avait lieu l'Initiation, ainsi que celles
de la piŠce pr‚c‚dente, ‚taient verrouill‚es pendant la c‚r‚monie. Dans un
coin se dressait une table sur laquelle br–lait une lape … huile donnant une
faible lumiˆre. Dans le coin oppos‚ ‚tait une autre table ‚clair‚e de la mˆme
maniŠre. Au fond de la forˆt ou dans cette chambre solitaire le r‚cipiendaire
se trouvait en pr‚sence d'un inconnu d'un aspect imposant, l'Initiant*, portant
deux manuscrits dont l'un contenait les questions et l''autre les r‚ponses et
qui, pour plus de commodit‚, ‚taient ‚crits comme les r“les de th‚ƒtre avec la
fin des r‚pliques. Voici le dialogue que lisaient alternativement ®… haute et
inteligible voix et avec une solennelle leteur¯ les deux personnages de cette
scŠne myst‚rieuse, debout … l'ombre des arbres ou assis … leurs tables
respectives:
Initians: ®X. (nom de guerre du Novice) que
d‚sirez-vous?¯
Initiandus: ®Auguste mebre de l'Ordre S‚r‚nissime dans lequel je d‚sire ˆtre
re‡u, le temps de mon stage est ‚coul‚, je parais ici sur votre ordre et
manifeste … nouveau, aprŠs y avoir m–rement r‚fl‚chi pendant deux ann‚es, le
d‚sir d'ˆtre admis dans la Classe Sup‚rieure, si la S‚r‚nissime Soci‚t‚ me juge
digne de cette faveur.¯
Initians: ®J'ai transmis vos notes, envoy‚ les t‚moignages de votre zˆle,
on vous a trouv‚ digne de devenir un des n“tres, je vous en f‚licite et vous
avertis en mˆme temps d'ob‚ir exactement ƒ tout ce qui vous sera ordonn‚. Deux
ans de r‚flexion et d'exp‚rience, de commerce assidu avec un des membres de
notre Soci‚t‚, l'‚tude des documents qui vous ont ‚t‚ communiqu‚s, ainsi que
les renseignements que vous avez re‡us, ont d– n‚cessairement vous faire
comprendre que le but suprˆme de notre Soci‚t‚ n'est pas du tout de conqu‚rir
la puissance et la richesse, de saper les bases du gouvernement s‚culier ou
spirituel, de dominer le monde, etc... Si vous vous ‚tes repr‚sent‚ notre
Soci‚t‚ sous ce point de vue, ou si vous y ˆtres entr‚ dans cette esp‚rance,
vous vous ˆtes grossiŠrement tromp‚ et comme cette Soci‚t‚ a un tout autre but,
elle vous donne ici par ma bouche la permission de vous s‚parer d'elle
complŠtement si vous le voulez, sous la seule condition d'une discr‚tion
inviolable. Vous Štes aussi libre qu'auparavant. La Soci‚t‚ ne pr‚tend …
aucun droit sur vous, et, … moins que vous ne l'attaquiez, elle ne fera rien
contre vous. En revanche vous n'aurez rien … attendre d'elle … part les
devoirs qu'imposent … ses membres envers vous les lois et Phumanit‚.
Persistez-vous encore dans votre r‚solution?¯
Initiandus: ®J'y persiste et demande … ˆtre re‡u.¯
Initians: ®Avez-vous aussi suffisamment r‚fl‚chi aux nouvelles obligations
que vous allez contracter et qui restreindront votre libert‚ naturelle, aux
ordres d‚sagr‚ables que vous pourrez recevoir? Avez-vous pens‚ que vous pouvez
rencontrer parmi nous des personnes qui vous seront antipathiques, qui
peut-ˆtre mˆme sont vos ennemis, que vous pourrez par suite ˆtre tent‚ de
d‚sob‚ir … vos Sup‚rieurs et de vous parjurer contre toute la Soci‚t‚?¯
L'Initiandus assurait avoir m–rement r‚fl‚chi, il se disait convaincu que
l'ind‚pendance absolue est mauvaise pour l'homme et que tous les ordres que lui
donnerait la Soci‚t‚ ne porraient jamais avoir d'autre but que son bien et
celui de l'humanit‚. Enfin il se d‚clarait prˆt … regarder tous les membres de
l'Ordre comme dignes de son affection puisque l'Ordre S‚r‚nissime les avait
jug‚s dignes de la sienne.
L'Initians reprenait: ®Moi (nom de guerre), repr‚sentant de l'Ordre qui m'a
donn‚ pleins pouvoirs … cet effet, je loue vos dispositions, mais avant que je
vous permette d'entrer dans l'Ordre, je veux savoir sous quelles conditions
vous entendez y ˆtre admis.¯
Initiandus: ®Je reconnais … la S‚r‚nissime Soci‚t‚ et … vous qui la
repr‚sentez ici, tous les droits sur moi, abandon qui implique pour elle le
devoir de veiller … ma s–ret‚ et de s'occuper de mon vrai bien dans la mesre o—
il s'accorde avec le bien et la prosp‚rit‚ de la Soci‚t‚ elle-mˆme. En
revanche je m'engage … lui ob‚ir, … la respecter, … employer toutes mes forces
dans son int‚rˆt. Mais si l'exp‚rience venait … m'apprendre qu'elle ne cherche
qu'… me causer des dommages r‚els et non pas seulement imaginaires, qu'… faire
de moi l'instrument de ses vis‚es ‚go‹stes et … abuser de ma bonne solont‚,
alors je la maudirais, je la consid‚rerais comme mon ennemie. Si j'‚tais trop
faible pour rejeter son joug, je ne le supporterais qu'avec colŠre et l'esclave
de cette Soci‚t‚ deviendrait son pire ennemi secret.¯
Initians: ®Votre d‚sir est juste et raisonnable, aussi je vous promets au
nom de nos S‚r‚nissimes Sup‚rieurs, au nom de tous les membres de l'Ordre,
protection, justice et assistance. Par contre la Soci‚t‚ ne prend aucun
engagement au sujet des ennuis que vous vous seriez attir‚s par votre faute ou
pour avoir de cette Soci‚t‚ deviendrait son pire ennemi secret.¯
A ce moment l'Initians tirait son ‚p‚e, en appuyait la pointe sur la
poitrine du r‚cipiendaire et changeant brusquement de ton lui disait d'une voix
terrible en l'interpellant par son nom de guerre: ®Mais si tu devais devenir un
traŒtre et un parjure, vois dans cette ‚p‚e tous les membres de la Soci‚t‚ en
armes contre toi. O— que tu fuies alors, ne te crois jamais en s–ret‚. La
honte et les reproches de ta conscience, la vengeance de tres frŠres inconnus,
te poursuivont et tortureront jusqu'au plus profond de toi-mˆme. Maintenant,
ajoutait-il en prenant un air plus doux, si vos dispositions n'ont pas chang‚,
vous allez prˆter le serment.¯ Il ordonnait alors au r‚cipiendaire de se
mettre … genoux, lui faisait placer une main … plat sur la tˆte* et c'est dans
cette posture incommode que le nouveau Minerval lisait une longue formule o— il
reconnaissait ®devant Dieu tout-puissant et le respectable repr‚sentant de la
S‚r‚nissime Soci‚t‚ dans laquelle il demandait … ˆtre admis, que tout homme a
besoin de ses semblables¯. Il s'engageait ®un silence ‚ternel, une fid‚lit‚
inviolable, une ob‚issance aveugle … tous les Sup‚rieurs et … tous les
commandements de l'Ordre¯. Il promettait de sacrifier ses int‚rˆts
particuliers … ceux de la Soci‚t‚, de chercher tous les moyens licites
d'augmenter sa puissance, de consid‚rer tous ses amis et ennemis comme les
siens propres, ®de mettre … son service sa fortune, son honneur et son sang¯
Comme garantie de la sinc‚rit‚ de son serment il ajoutait: ®S'il m'arrivait
jamais d'agir contre les rŠglements ou les int‚rˆts de la Soci‚t‚ S‚r‚nissime
avec pr‚m‚ditation, par passion ou par m‚chancet‚, je me soumets … tous les
chƒtiments et punitions que mes Sup‚rieurs pourront m'infliger. Je renonce …
toute restriction mentale et fais cette promesse suivant les intentions de la
Soci‚t‚ qui me demande de prˆter ce serment. Que Dieu me soit en aide si j'ai
parl‚ sincŠrement!¯
Si le r‚cipiendaire exprimait de scrupules que l"initiant ne se croyait pas
en ‚tat de lever, la c‚r‚monie ‚tait interrompue provisoirement, mais il
fallait que les scrupules invoqu‚s fussent trŠs graves, dans le cas contraire
les points litigieux ‚taient r‚serv‚s, l'Initiant promettant de donner les
‚claircissements r‚clam‚s quand il aurait re‡u les instructions n‚cessaires.
Si le Novice effray‚ par les engagements formels qu'on lui demandait de prendre
renon‡ait … entrer dans la classe Minervale, l'Initiant ne cherchait pas … le
retenir et le laissait partir avec la plus grande politesse aprŠs lui avoir
impos‚ un silence rigoureux.
* The footnote here at the bottom of the original page is illegible.
* Ces fonctions devaient, d'aprŠs le rŠglement, ˆtre l'office particulier d'un
membre de l'Ordre ®que sa taille, sa voix pos‚e et grave, son ext‚rieur
majestueux, mettaient … mˆme de donner … cette c‚r‚monie toute la solennit‚ qui
lui convient¯
* Ce geste signifiait que l'Initi‚ mettait sa tˆte aux pieds de l'Ordre et le
reconnaissait commeautorit‚ suprˆme. (ProcŠs-verbal de la session de
l'Ar‚opage du 22 Septembre 1780. B.U.M.A.3.)
D. RITE OF INITIATION FOR THE FOURTH DEGREE
[This ritual was first performed by Adam Weishaupt, minutes after the Goddess
divined upon him the mysteries of this ritual. It is to be done in a
government office building, where Order seems to be prevalent but in reality
the foundation is pure Chaos; a perfect location for meditating with one's
pineal gland. Be sure to wear bright, polychromatic clothing such as tie-dye.]
[STUDENT kneels on pillow with favorite cartoon character drawn five
times upon it.]
STUDENT: [performs the Official Discordian Blessing upon himself, starting
and finishing by pointing to his pineal gland.]
STUDENT: [with hands raised to the air] O! Hail to thee, Goddess, power
beautiful, Chaos incarnate: Mistress of the Night and Day, Discordia! Homage
to thee, who hast come as Eris to the Greeks, Discordia to the Romans,
Entropy to the Scientists, Money to the Europeans, and Goddess to the
Americans!
ONLOOKER 1: Shut up! I can't concentrate!
ONLOOKER 2: Get off my desk!
ONLOOKER 3: Who's he/she/it? I don't remember anything about a new temp
here.
ONLOOKER 4: Hmm... who's this Goddess he's/she's/it's talking about? Sounds
interesting!
STUDENT: [Lights candle before it] Here beforest me, thy Third Degree
servant, lies my offering to thee, beautiful Inspiration of Men's Dreams: an
instrument whose only purpose to bring more Chaos to its surroundings!
ONLOOKER 2: Who the hell is this faggot and why is he lighting a candle on
my desk?
ONLOOKER 1: I said shut up!
ONLOOKER 3: I need a cup of coffee. [Exunt
ONLOOKER 4: A Goddess of Chaos? Oh! I see! He's/She's/It's a transfer from
the I.R.S.!
STUDENT: Hear me now as I bless this Temple! [STUDENT throws ice water,
stored in five cups, into random directions] Hail [throw] Eris! [throw]
All [throw] hail [throw] Discordia! [throw]
ONLOOKER 1: Oh, shit! I worked five days on that project, and now you ruined
it! I'll kill you!
ONLOOKER 4: No, he's cool. [ONLOOKER 4 throws a cup of coffee into the air]
Hail Discordia! It's hailing Discordia! Whee!
ONLOOKER 2: I'm calling the manager. He'll know what to do. [Exunt
ONLOOKER 1: You stupid fuck! I'll kill you both!
[ONLOOKER 4 throws cup of coffee into ONLOOKER 1's face.]
[Enter MANAGER]
MANAGER: What in all Hell is going on here?
[ONLOOKER 4 throws another cup of coffee at MANAGER and laughs]
[ONLOOKER 1 jumps on ONLOOKER 4 and starts beating him]
[Enter ONLOOKER 2]
ONLOOKER 2: Stop it you two! [Runs into fray]
[STUDENT gaily dances out of office with pillow, laughing all the way,
knowing that the ritual was a success and Eris enlightened it to the Fourth
Degree]
E. INITIATION RITE TO THE FIFTH DEGREE
[This rite shows the Initiate's ability to influence crowds.]
DISCIPLE 1: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is, (list titles and
degrees of INITIATE), (INITIATE's name)!
[Enter INITIATE]
INITIATE: Howdy. Here's a little ditty I wrote:
I am a lab mouse, I live in a cage.
Never had a job, never earned minimum wage.
But you will respect me, YES! when my plan is unfurled!
You'll call me your leader, I'll be king of the world!
CROWD 1: He ain't half bad.
CROWD 2: He ain't half good, either.
INITIATE: Now, Pinkey! Play the tape!
RECORDING OF INITIATE WITH WEIRD, HYPNOTIC BACKGROUND: Worship Eris. There
is no Goddess but Eris and She is Your Goddess. You shall always use the
Official Discordian Document Numbering System. You are required to partake
joyously of a Hot Dog on Friday. You shall not partake of of Hot Dog Buns. Do
not believe that which is written.
CROWD 1: Hey, I feel like eatin' a Hot Dog now.
CROWD 2: Yea, but since today's not Friday, I don't want any bun with my Hot
Dog.
INITIATE: It's a success, Pinkey! My plan has worked!
DISCIPLE 1: And remember folks! always unto Chaos, less the Greyface shirk thy
soul into abominable stagnancy!
VII. HOW TO CONTACT THE ILLUMINATI
By virtue and history, the Illuminati are reclusive and tend to abhor
outside contact and recognition that they exist. However, due to the present
lack of Initiates, they have conceded to revealing their office phone number
and mailing address.
The Illuminati can be reached by dialing (202) 456-1414. By mail,
they can be contacted at the following address:
The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria
Rosicrucian Park
Dept. GSA
San Jose, CA 95191
VIII. OUTER ORDER RITUALS
[All of these rituals are derived from the Principia Discordia.]
A. SACRED ERISIAN HIGH MASS OF THE KRISPY KREME KABAL
Designed by the Reverend DM Psiqosys
Reprinted from the Steve Jackson Printing of the P.D.
DRAMATIS PERSON’
#1: High Holy Boss of Religion
#2: Great Overseer of Forbidden Arcana
#3: Omnipotent Matriarch/Patriarch of The Mystic Realms
#4: Most Divine Empirical Pedagogical Wizard
#5: Head Enchilada of Miscellany
ACT I: The Climatic Sacrament of Ecstatic Communion
[All members of the congregation mob around the altar and receive communion of
orange juice, dispensed by #2, and donuts (preferably jelly), dispensed by #3.
As each congregant receives their portion of the Hostess, they should place
their minds into a meditative state by thinking impure thoughts about Goddess,
or another member of the congregation.]
#5: And Goddess spake: "And when you, my children, have wandered through the
night and grown hungry, you shall behold the holy beacon of the donut shop,
wherein thou shalt consume donuts in my name."
#4: "And you shall fear not the cops and drunkards which abound at such
all-night eateries, for they too seek my glory, though they find it not solely
through the rites of eating donuts."
#1: "But you, my children, have beheld the mysteries of the Golden Apple,
and quaffed the pleasant-tasting syrup which flows from within."
#5: "For the uninitiated shall not know the full meaning of KALLISTI, for
they do not understand Greek!"
#4: "And if you, my child, understand Greek, make sure you use some (ahem)
protection!"
[Officials may ad-lib further, or simply remain silent, depending on how ugly
the crowd gets, until everyone has taken communion.]
ACT II: The Invocation and Sycophantic Supplication unto Goddess
#1: We are gathered here today in the sight of Goddess in order that we
might conduct the Sacred High Mass of Eris.
#2: Hail Eris, Full of Grace!
#3: Holy Queen of Outer Space!
#4: Leading Lady of This Place!
#4: Hail Eris, Full of Grace!
#5: Hail Eris, Lady of Chaos!
#3: Hail Eris!
All: All Hail Discordia!
ACT III: The Sacred Litany
All: I say, my dog has no nose!
#2: No nose?!? How does he smell?!?
All: Bloody awful!
#1: LET IT BE KNOWN that Dog spelled backwards is goD!
#4: LET IT BE KNOWN that Cow spelled backwards is woC!
#3: LET IT BE KNOWN that Pterodactyl spelled backwards is difficult to
pronounce!
All: And that's a fact, Jack!
ACT IV: The Benevolent Adoration and Implied Genuflection
#5: And Goddess spoke, saying "I just flew in from Nirvana."
#2: And boy, was that a noisy airplane!
#4: And the servant of Goddess sought to know Her, and soon found bliss.
#1: And boy, were his arms tired!
#3: Let the simulated crowd noise commence!
All: Watermelon cantaloupe watermelon cantaloupe (&c. &c.)
ACT V: The Malevolent Benediction and Spewing Forth of the Holy Laws
#2: [shouting over the simulated crowd noise]:
And when Goddess heard the crowds growing restless, She realized they lacked
direction. [Continues simulated crowd noise.]
#3: And direction She gave them! Goddess towered above the confused hordes,
and gave them the twenty-three commandments!
[#3 raises hands dramatically, and simulated crowd noise immediately ceases.]
#1: Thou shalt have other Goddesses before dinner time!
All: Or not!
#4: Thou shalt worship worship worship idols!
All: Or not!
#5: Thou shalt take the Lord's name in vain!
All: And what if we don't, GODDAMMIT?!
#3: Thou shalt drink beer and listen to Black Sabbath albums!
All: Or not!
#2: If participating in the three-legged race at the next family reunion,
strive for Honorable Mention!
All: Or not!
#1-#5 simultaneously: KILL! MURDER! MAIM! DESTROY (x5)
All but #4: Get serious!
#4: Sorry, wrong religion. Thou shalt not commit adulthood!
All but #2: Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeeez?!?
#2: Well, maybe, if you eat all your peas. Thou shalt go around stealing
people in the face for no particular reason.
All but #3: I think not!
#3: Agreed. Thou shalt not watch America's Most Wanted in hopes of seeing
thine next door neighbor.
All: Agreed!
#1: Thou shalt not, under any circumstance, read this sentence aloud.
All but #1: Blasphemer! Blasphemer! Blasphemer!
#5: And if you have enjoyed these commandments, and wish to receive more,
send 1-800-666-3747 to the post office box not eligible to VISA or Mastercard
owners. Allow $23.93 for delivery, C.O.D.'s void with your complementary gift.
All: Thank you all, and have a nice day!
B. OFFICIAL DISCORDIAN RITUAL OF THE PENTAGRAM
[Originally OFFICIAL DISCORDIAN BLESSING]
1: Focus carefully on whatever it is you are blessing. Be careful, for there
is a fine line between carefully focusing and maniacal obsession; keep it
brief.
2: Form your hand into the "V" symbol.
3: Point said hand at above noted object.
4: Move your hand in a motion which carves out a star in the air*, starting
with the top point. As you draw each side, recite the corresponding word in the
holy phrase "Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!"
5: Dance any particular form which comes to mind (ex: jig, limbo, lambada,
head-bang, etc.)
*This act focuses the astral energy, stored in the pineal gland, though the "V"
fingers, branding this star into the object on the astral level.
C. A RITUAL TO SUMMON CHAOS IN ILLINOIS
The collected servants of Eris must congregate together in Skokie, Illinois,
and ask to sign papers to have the Nazi party march there. This act alone
should rise enough chaos to please any die-hard Discordian. However, if it
does not, then have others come into the town and ask to have the Communist
Party, the P.L.O., and Ku Klux Klan march the same day. This, then should make
the community go stark raving mad with chaos.
IX. THE DISCORDIAN INNER ORDER
The Inner Order of the Discordian Society, or IO DiS, was divined upon
Malaclypse near the end of his life. He kept this secret from the Principia,
for that was the will of Goddess. He gave the teachings of the Inner Order to
his select students. This tradition has been carried down through the ages by
a few, highly skilled mages. The lessons are now revealed for the first time.
The Inner Order has no organized system, only five rites of Initiation
declaring the adept's level of attainment to itself when Goddess divines upon it
the correct time for the advancement. The main reason for this lack of
organization on the part of the adepts here explained: when a large
amount of Zen Masters gathers together, a cacophony of babel is spoken. No
one can understand another, and absolutely no one is enlightened from the
experience. This is why Zen Masters communicate through their students.
Amazingly enough, ninety percent of all Inner Order adepts have been women.
X. THE INNER ORDER RITES OF INITIATION
A. INITIATION RITE INTO THE FIRST DEGREE
Goddess: Do ye promise to exercise my Will?
Adept: Only when it harmonizes with my own Will.
Goddess: Very good. Congratulations.
B. SECOND DEGREE RITE OF INITIATION
Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will?
Adept: Why, is it possessed?
Goddess: Very good. Congratulations.
C. INITIATORY RITE FOR THE THIRD DEGREE
Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will?
[long pause]
Goddess: Very good. Congratulations.
D. RITE OF INITIATION INTO THE FOURTH DEGREE
Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will?
Adept: Will you get off my ass about exercising your will? I'm getting sick
of it! What are you, a robot? Shit!
Goddess: Very good. Congratulations.
E. RITE OF INITIATION FOR THE FIFTH DEGREE
Goddess: Do you promise to exercise my Will?
Adept: Sure, what the hell.
Goddess: Very good. Congratulations.
[In short, it doesn't matter what the Adept responds with.]
XI. INNER ORDER RITUALS
[All rituals of the Inner Order are divined upon the Adept at the time of the
Ritual, an apparent impromptu to all onlookers.]
XII. THE DISCORDIAN HIGH ORDER
The Highly Illuminated German Hugenots Grand Order of Discordia, or HIGH
GOD, has absolutely no order. The only ritual of Initiation is the Initiation
into the Order. Some adepts in the Order proclaim that there are five levels
of Initiation, others claim that there are five-thousand forty six levels,
others still say that there is no limit to the height of initiation, and a
very small amount declare that there is no HIGH GOD. Therefore, it can be
concluded that Goddess tells Her initiates whatever she pleases. The purpose
of this Order is unknown even to the most elevated adepts.
Amazingly, one hundred percent of all High Order adepts are men.
XIII. THE HIGH ORDER RITE OF INITIATION
GODDESS: Are you satisfied with your position in life?
ADEPT: I like it, and I don't like it. And I also do not like liking it and
not liking it while also like liking it and not liking it, ad infinitam ad
nausiam.
GODDESS: Hmm... And do you like being in a void of neither and both at the
same time?
ADEPT: Forty-two.
GODDESS: Er... I see. How many fingers am I holding up?
ADEPT: Monday.
GODDESS: When were you last Initiated?
ADEPT: Thank you.
GODDESS: I see. You don't know a thing of what you're talking about. Go back
to reality.
ADEPT: Yes, I am.
XIV. HIGH ORDER RITUALS
[There are no such thing as rituals for High Order Adepts]
XV. THE ILLUMINATED ORDER OF DISCORDIA
Upon entering the Bright Ancient Victims Against Rodents and Insignificant
Ants, or BAVARIA, Order is immediately flung upon the Adept, which is apparent
in the initial Rite of Initiation. Only one rite could be put in this text,
for there wasn't enough space to put any more.
Amazingly, five percent of all Adepts in the Illuminated
Order are neither men nor women, while the remaining are unsure.
XVI. THE ILLUMINATED ORDER RITES OF INITIATION
[Abridged]
GODDESS: So, ya want to be initiated to the Illuminated Order?
ADEPT: Yes.
GODDESS: Do you think you're ready?
ADEPT: I am.
GODDESS: Okay. Wait a sec while I get the paper work.
[ADEPT waits five years and five days]
GODDESS: Whew! Here ya go. Good luck! Fill them all out in triplicate!
[Paper work deleted for space]
[Twenty-five years later]
GODDESS: Are ya finished?
ADEPT: [feebly] Not quite.
GODDESS: Well, get going then!
[Three-thousand one-hundred twenty-five years later and five seconds]
GODDESS: Finished yet?
ADEPT: [dead]
GODDESS: Damn! Lost another one! And he only had one more signature left!
Bloody shame.
XVII. ILLUMINATED ORDER RITUALS
[None have ever been revealed]
XVIII. THE ANCIENT ILLUMINATED SEERS OF BAVARIA
This order is reserved for only the greatest of all Illuminated Order Adepts.
Absolutely nothing has been TRUTHFULLY revealed about this group, except that
only zucchini are allowed into this extremely secretive society.
XIX. RITES OF INITIATION FOR THE AISB
[None have ever been revealed to non-zucchini.]
XX. HOW CAN I BECOME ILLUMINATED?
The Discordian order's Illumination process first begins with discovering how
one is to be initiated into the High Order. This usually starts by figuring
out the Official Discordian Document Numbering System. When the Initiate
discovers the hidden secrets of this system, the initiation rites will become
obvious.
A main point must be made: the statement on p. 00054, "Convictions make
convicts," is incredibly important. This is one of the main key points to the
Discordian philosophy. Learn it and understand it and live it and your travel
to Illumination shall be close at hand.
XXI. HYMNS
In order to keep with the humorous tone of the Discordian Society, I have decided
to accumulate all known Discordian songs in this part.
THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY
words by Lord Omar
VERSE 1:
Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao;
It is hov'ring o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now
Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb;
Her Apple Corps is strong!
CHORUS
Grand (and gory) Old Discord-ja!
Grand (and gory) Old Discord-ja!
Grand (and gory) Old Discord-ja!
Her Apple Corps is strong!
VERSE 2:
She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak;
So She threw a Golden Apple, 'stead of turn'd t' other cheek!
O it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak;
Her Apple Corps is strong!
[extended version, by Robert Anton Wilson]
CHORUS
VERSE 3:
Mine eyes have seen Saddam Hussein with the ~Koran~ upon his knee
A-typing out communiques for all the world to see:
"Our missiles just hit Tel Aviv and God is full of glee,
Islam goes marching on!"
[an even further extended version, by Nepos Zir Comselha]
CHORUS
VERSE 4:
She has played upon the tuba which has never seen the Light
She is cutting out the bowels of men and filling them with blight
She has declared her war upon the Order and their might
Her Apple Corps is strong!
CHORUS
[the fifth verse has yet be translated from its original tongues)
ERIS THE CHAOTIC
words by Nepos Zir Comselha
music by Samuel Ward
VERSE 1:
For Eris and Discordia, volcanoes do erupt,
For chaos and mayhem, we promise to corrupt!
Discordia! Discordia! You show thy Chao to me,
And illuminate and propagate, let all the masses flee!
VERSE 2:
O chaotic bureaucracy, thy hiring of jerks,
We would do well to imitate your sacred paperwork!
Discordia! Discordia! The Goddess is for all,
Defend thy thoughts with guns a lot, and we shall grow so tall!
AMERIKKKA (for the Discordian Anarchists)
words by Nepos Zir Comselha
music by Henry Carey
VERSE 1:
This coun-try sucks big balls,
a land of gigantic malls,
Go fuck yourself;
Land where pigs beat my friends,
Land where you drive Mercadies Benz.
A bomb inside all your pens,
Makes freedom sing.
VERSE 2:
Eris shall have revenge,
For She has many friends:
They have big guns;
I hate your income tax,
And hate how the laws do lack
Any 'semblance to the Constitution
Here's dynamite in the Capitol.
VERSE 3:
Why do those stupid men
Try to control my life:
They have bigger guns.
We shall overthrow the state,
And send you to your fate.
I've got a bullet for your mate:
You can kiss my ass.
AN ERISIAN HYMN
words by Dr. Mungojerry Gridlebone, KOB Episkopos, The Rayville Apple Panthers
(this song works best if sung with an "Oh" in front of each line)
Onwards Christian Soldiers,
Onwards Buddhist Priests.
Onward, Fruits of Islam,
Fight till you're deceased.
Fight your little battles.
Join in thickest fray;
For the Greater Glory of Discordia
Yea, yea yea yea yea-yea, yea.
Thpffffffffft!
WE THREE MEN
words by Nepos Zir Comselha
music by John Henry Hopkins
VERSE 1:
We three men, illuminated,
Making the world liberated,
Freeing minds and refusing fines,
Nothing confiscated.
CHORUS:
Yea-
Eris, Goddess, grant us Light,
Arming masses with thy might,
Onward moving, still are looting,
Come on, baby, hear Her Word!
VERSE 2:
If you do in Her partake,
You will eat lots of pancakes,
If you choose, you may refuse,
To find the fakes.
CHORUS
A TALE OF THE GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA
FOR DISTURBED LITTLE CHILDREN
[To the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"]
words by Zir Comselha
VERSE 1:
On top of Olympus,
All covered with gods,
I threw my gold apple
When Jupiter snubbed.
VERSE 2:
It rolled to the wedding,
And before six feet,
And then my gold apple
Was read by three.
VERSE 3:
They fought for possession,
A big cat fight;
And then my gold apple
Was given to Zeus.
VERSE 4:
He looked at the goddesses
And trembled with fear,
And then my gold apple
Was given to a shepherd-boy.
VERSE 5:
This caused confusion,
And Eris laughed,
And then great Discordia
Left while eating a hot dog without the bun.
A SONG ABOUT THIS BOOK
[A translation from a Latin Gregorian Chant; hum along if you know the tune]
Oh, Great Eris! Why must my drivel continue?
You know as well as I do that THIS BOOK IS FALSE. [remember, this is _sung_,
All but this chapter and the twentieth are shit. not read]
Actually, the selection from the Masonic book is true,
and so is the French translation of the Illuminati initiation ritual
but no one needs to know that. Let them eat dye and shit colors!
Oh, Eris! Let's nuke the world together and let the vultures pick apart
historians!
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
What rolls down T3s, boosts connect fees, and makes your throughput drag?
Makes it tough to hack, won't get off your back, it's lag lag lag!
A sucking chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Mashed potatoes can be your friend.
'Twas Brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all
mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.
If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road
signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world
in braille.
If you have to ask, you're not allowed to know.
Nothing quite like the feel of something new...
The Delta-United Ring Formation Theory states that the rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
When the naive man admits his naivete, he is no longer naive. Thus, all
people are regarded by society as either ignorant or a liar.
A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.
The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the
Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.
You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
All suspects are innocent until proven Discordian in a Court of Chaos.
Our god's the FUN god! Our god's the SUN god! Ra! Ra! Ra!
"How many tentacles has Great Cthulhu got?" "Too many."
We are all Children of Cthulhu -- especially the ones with lots of tentacles.
"I only live about ten percent in this reality." "So where's your summer
cottage?"
Proletarian revolutions are notably ineffective when the ruling class is
composed of gods.
Never trust a cop with a rubber glove.
For every new foolproof invention there is a new and improved fool.
Life is a terminal disease.
If you were everyone but one person i would listen to everyone else.
If I were you I'd dance naked in the middle of the street just to embarrass
you.
Like many of the finer things in life, sex often comes with a side of fries.
Hold on to freedom as long as you can, 'cause the girl in your cell might
think she's a man
May the road rise up and fall on you.
Life is sometimes like a pizza round: hot, greasy, and delivered by a guy
named 'Tony'.
Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
Coitus ergo sum.
You know it's a bad morning when you get up out of bed and miss the floor.
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an
automatic weapon.
Cthulhu saves our souls and redeems them for valuable coupons later.
Cthulhu Saves. He might get hungry later.
Spam was, Spam is and Spam shall be. After summer is winter, and after
winter, summer. It ruled once where Man rules now; where Man rules now,
it shall rule again. As a foulness shall ye know it.
Cthulhu for President -- for when you're tired of choosing the _lesser_ of
the two evils.
It's an Elder Thing -- you wouldn't understand.
When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect.
Who loathes you, and who do you love? CTHULHU!
Fight crime. Shoot back.
Join the Cthulhu Corps; it's not just a job, it's a higher position under an
elder god.
If Cthulhu calls... let the machine pick it up.
Nietzsche: God is dead. God: Nietzsche is dead.
It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. It is by the Coca-Cola
that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains
become a warning. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.
You wouldn't be so smug if you really knew what was going on.
You don't have a disease. You just live in New Jersey.
Jake liked his women how he liked his kiwi fruit; firm yet yielding, sweet
yet tart, and covered with short fuzzy brown hair.
His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics, the
Stoics and the Epicureans - and summed up all three of them in his famous
phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and
there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink."
I used to be self-actualized, now I'm just confused.
Never sign a contract including any of the phrases "sort of", kind of", or
"and stuff".
Horniness is a quintessential example of hope.
Freedom is just a hallucination created by a pathological lack of paranoia.
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist
is afraid that it is.
Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota.
Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.
Our cause is a secret within a secret, a secret that only another secret can
explain; it is a secret about a secret veiled by a secret.
Portions of the preceding were recorded. As for the rest of it, I'm very
much afraid it was all in your mind.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Futility is futile.
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, while it
does big things badly, does small things badly too.
If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is
probably just a tool of the conspiracy.
You see, without that little doohicky, the universe stops.
Welcome to the Federal Bureau for Reducing Bureaucracy!
History: an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, brought about
by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think I think, therefore I think I am.
I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.
Computers, like cats, can operate crossdimensionally; the trick is in getting
them to do what you want.
People who emit Cherenkov radiation make me nervous.
A few thousand rads never hurt anybody.
Of course it belongs to me, I'm a communist.
Occam was never the target of a conspiracy.
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
Quantum Express: When you absolutely, positively, don't know where it's going
or when it needs to be there.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
My inner child can beat up your inner child.
My god can beat up your god.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
reality.sys corrupted. universe halted. reboot (y/n)?
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me.
"Here's what I know," said the physicist. "If we lived in a microscopic
world, trucks would crash into walls, fly apart and then reassemble
perfectly on the other side of the wall. This has been proven."
Due to circumstances within our control, tomorrow will be cancelled.
I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions.
Anybody who cannot comprehend mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wash, cook food, and not make
messes on the floor.
What a useless scroll, all it says is "Hastur Hastur Hastur" over and over
again.
Don't knock masturbation; isn't sex with someone you love the best kind?
Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
Reality is the temporary resultant of the struggle between rival gangs of
programmers.
If I was a woman I'd stay at home all day and play with my breasts.